I didn’t hear about Dr. Wallerstein before she died — or, rather, I knew of her and her work, but didn’t know her name.

This article in Slate’s online magazine caught my attention today.

Perhaps it’s because Tom and I are nearing the quarter-century mark in our relationship, or perhaps it’s because I am watching my own two children begin to navigate relationships that I am thinking about what it takes to keep a partnership going past those first romantic months. And what it means when it breaks up.

I broke up with a lot of people before I met Tom, and figured our relationship would turn out the same way. But it didn’t. We had kids, responsibilities, eventually the proverbial mortgage, and we continue to enjoy each other’s company beyond the romantic dinners which were mostly left far behind years ago. We have had times of relative abundance, times of pretty tight wallets when we qualified for additional government help, and we have managed to make it through all of them.

We have different interests, but at heart we both are homebodies, not minding television instead of movies and dinners at home instead of restaurants. I admit to enjoying dinners out, perhaps more than Tom does, but I also enjoy the casual, feet-up meals while watching old television re-runs. Our children have watched us argue, have discussions about what to do, and have watched us negotiate solutions to many issues.

Most of our friends have stayed together, too — which is unusual. But we have friends who have been through divorce, and as a teacher there are students who have been through or are going through divorce in the family. It’s hard on the entire family when parents divorce, and so many times the aftermath of divorce is harder than the initial breakup. For kids in school, it can be harder to concentrate on schoolwork, harder to get along with other kids, and harder just to be in school when they are worried about what is happening at home.

I think Dr. Wallerstein’s work points the way toward how to think about mitigating the effects of divorce on children in a way that needs to be articulated over and over. Stop thinking about yourselves — if you are a parent, put the children’s needs first. Don’t use them as pawns, with the primary custodial parent being a “winner” and the children fuel for further arguments. Let those kids know that, despite your own issues, they are wonderful and deserving of stability. Then give them the stability and support they need.

I think her work was marvelous, and I hope that we will continue to look at the effects of our decisions as parents on our children — not just in the moment, but in the months and years that follow. Sometimes it might be possible to change a different variable, so we don’t have to upend our children’s lives. Sometimes we can’t or shouldn’t do anything differently, and in those cases we need to know the best ways to support our kids. Dr. Wallerstein articulated not just the “bad news” but also the message that parents can help their children make the best of difficult times and grow into strong, capable adults.


2 Interactions on “Passages: Judith Wallerstein

  1. “I broke up with a lot of people before I met Tom, and figured our relationship would turn out the same way. But it didn’t.”

    “All relationships fail eventually, until one doesn’t.” – Dan Savage, advice columnist

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