Mini-Quest for the End of August, Part 4

Again, this is not an officially-created or affiliated project, just something I wanted to share with others who appreciate and use the Hero’s Journal and/or the Hero’s Planner.

Mini Quest Part 4: Self-Improvement

[see Part 1 here] Day 1 was all about focusing on something you want.

[see Part 2 here] Day 2 was about getting around to needed tasks.

[see Part 3 here] Day 3 was about making a “thimble list” of enjoyable (local) excursions that don’t need a lot of time or preparation.

Today, the focus is on what we want to make better about ourselves. No matter how old I get, no matter what I have done, I look back and feel “regrets.” We cannot change the past… but we CAN change our future by taking stock of ways we can improve.

I am partly riffing off some thoughts I had when a fellow Hero (yew will know who yew are) posted a thought about becoming a “GOOD” person. My response was basically that it’s a process of learning to treat others well/kindly/respectfully without losing sight of our own selves and needs; and that when we fail to accomplish this…

by not giving up.

Often, talking about self-improvement feels cleansing and good. Sometimes, however, it brings up deep issues. In this post, I call them “regrets” – little nagging thoughts that you “coulda-woulda-shoulda.” For some of us, even relatively minor regrets can send us down a rabbit hole. Although that did happen to me (fair warning, I give the examples at the end, and it was a hard reflection for me):

Please take care of yourself! If you are experiencing anxiety, grief, depression, or other strong emotions already, please proceed with caution, and if you have a mental health professional or other trusted advisor in your life, you might consult with that person if this exercise brings up deep feelings. There have been times when this particular exercise might not have been wise for me, and there are times (such as now) that it feels just right for me.

If at any time you start to feel stress over this day’s quest, be kind to yourself and set it aside. Self-improvement does not have to be all-or-nothing, and it doesn’t need to happen in this moment.

This particular exercise might not require notetaking per se, though I tend to prefer recording my thoughts, even on deep or sad issues. It allows me to go back later and give love to “past me” for the feelings and resolve the memory in some way. For others, just taking time to consider where we are in life and where we are going – and how we can improve personally-controllable traits such as attitude toward others, emotional stability, self-care (yes, those are often on my own list) can be all we need.

If you did the previous days’ reflections, the flow of today will be familiar. That is deliberate – when an activity is done in the same way or has the same parameters over time, it frees the mind to stop thinking about the process of doing, and begin to engage with the purpose (or product).

Right Now: you are looking for a place and moment of calm where you can consider what is truly important AND achievable with the Time, Tools, Talent, and Treasure you have available Today (or in the near future).

BEGIN

If you can, find a quiet space to rest and observe; or a space in which to move/walk. It can be hard to get the mind to settle in if there are a lot of distractions from activities in the background. It will be particularly helpful for today’s topic, but I think you can make it work either way. I remember when our children were young… so the “quiet space” might require a bit of creative thinking and occasional commotion. That’s life, and it’s okay!

RELAX. Let your mind wander.

• What do you see that you haven’t noticed before? What do you hear? If you are in motion, what sensations do you have as you move through the space over textures, changes in slope, changes in direction? If you are seated, what points of contact do you have with surfaces, are you comfortable and stable or do you need to adjust your position occasionally?
• What is catching your attention? What isn’t catching your attention unless you focus? What is concerning you today? What is bringing you joy?
• Notice how your breath is moving in and out of your body. Do you feel heavy or light? Check in with your distant body parts and gradually move your attention toward your core. What feels tight? Unstable? Painful? What feels comfortable, relaxed, supported?

When you are ready, focus on this question: ARE THERE common elements of your life that seem to collect “regrets” or a wishfulness that you had changed your actions or responses

Remember, this is about things that are actually under your control: (my examples include) how I respond to headaches, what I do when I am disappointed, whether I take a moment before responding in anger, how I set up my day so I have energy at the end.

I don’t know when or who was the actual first person to observe: We cannot control what happens to and around us, we can control how we respond to what happens

Focus on your own ability to change future you, by taking small steps today and into the future, keeping in mind that although saying “no” to some things to take care of your health (mental, financial, emotional, physical…) can cause regret, your health is necessary to be able to say “yes” to other things! Sadly, we cannot be all things to all people (at least not all the time!).

Again, if you are in a headspace where you feel uncomfortable about any day’s topic, please stop and come back another time. This quest is what I needed in August 2026, and may not be right for you. I share some discussion of regrets over the passing of elder loved ones later on. If you want to stop at any time, either for a break or for good, please follow your heart in this. Our quests sometimes come together, and then we diverge. Please take care of yourself, and go with grace and my good will.

CONTINUE

LIST some consistent threads of regret in your life, including how often they occur, and what sets you up for feeling you had done something differently. You might have one or two stand-out threads, or several smaller threads that add up… or a combination. Again, if you are feeling anxious, this is a good time to set aside today’s quest. [Just writing this took three days, as I had to keep setting it aside…]

I recommend setting a timer for this activity. 10-15 minutes maximum. I “ruminate” and sometimes fall down a well of despair with practices like this. The purpose of this exercise is to gain clarity for near-future or immediate action and create a plan that feels truly possible with our current resources, not to punish ourselves (yet again) for things we do or have done. So a shorter time is probably better.

ARRANGE these threads/ideas in some way if you want. My brain tells me that I will do better with a sort of mind map, or a venn diagram, or a similar “blobby” layout to help me notice what is in common, and what might be outliers. You might prefer an ordered list, an outline-style list, or another format. It might end up looking like a map as one idea leads to another…

CONSIDER if there is something that is obvious that you can address in the near-term with the time, talent, treasure, and tools you have. Obviously, improving ourselves is the goal. A “sidequest” of sorts is recognizing where we do not need to improve – sometimes we simply are a certain way, and do not need to change.

It is possible that we would like to change, but don’t have the ability to do it at this time of your life. Or that a particular type of change, while desirable, has to take a back seat to something else. It’s okay to notice those regrets and set them aside.

On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that you have a “regret” that you can identify easily and start working on right now!

• For example, I am not unusual in that I struggle with “emotional regulation” when I am exhausted or under extreme stress. This is not unusual for anyone, but it’s embarrassing and can hurt relationships.
  • Right now, I have health issues that I am working on which, if I am successful, will reduce my overall stress and exhaustion, making overflowing emotions less common.
    • I am practicing taking a breath before texting, writing, or speaking.

It is also possible that you have a couple of very specific items you can work on today, or in the next couple of days – even if the whole of it is bigger than a quick fix. It can feel so good to take back control when we have regrets.

• One example of regrets due to health is the many missed events that we have paid for and anticipated for weeks or months, only to have to cancel at the last minute because I overused my strength and stamina and was too exhausted to go. That’s a lot of time and money wasted, a lot of memories missed.
  • The biggest threat to change is just my underlying health condition which is permanent, but can be better managed. Getting clear diagnosis of health is hard… I have given up in the past when “life” got in the way (so I need to not give up this time).
  • Allies to help? medical providers, spouse
    • get clarity on which symptoms are highest priority, and follow the plan on how to start addressing my physical needs
    • be clear when I need help at home rather than hoping spouse will “intuit” my needs
  • Tools? Keep the wheelchairs well maintained; make sure medications that need to be taken long-term are put on the “automatic” setting at my pharmacy so they are mailed and I don’t have to think about picking them up; and make sure I have as much “automated” in the classroom so I am not getting exhausted every day (kids can handle a lot of routine tasks!). Also, there is a new watch-like tool that helps people like me monitor energy levels! I think it’s worth investigating.

And then there are regrets that are long-term/life-long, and only ever partly under our control. Things that are “reasonable” in the moment and yet future-you looks back and thinks “IF ONLY I had known how important that moment was…” It’s very easy to perseverate for those regrets. And those are the really hard ones.

PLEASE, if you are experiencing deep emotions already, take care of yourself. Stop if you need or want with no expectation that you will return to this particular quest. The IF-ONLY regrets are the hardest of all. And also, I think we can take control of some pieces for future-proofing even these very deep regrets.

• One of the biggest “if-only” regrets is not staying connected to friends and family.
  • I have so many regrets — even though in my head I know there were solid reasons for not maintaining ties better. This is after losing two older friends this summer – and now my father-in-law has entered hospice. So I am taking back control and grief-minimizing in the future by identifying the threats and allies/tools to reduce at least some of the missed opportunities.
    • Threats to success are:
      • Physical – I cannot visit people in person very often for allergy and mobility reasons, and that the people I lost were also not able to come to my home. Sometimes it’s distance, but really most of the time it’s just my stupid body getting in the way. – this cannot be changed in the near term
      • Emotional – my own discomfort with phone calls makes calling people beyond uncomfortable for me and I obsess and have to rehearse a lot before a phone call out (although people can call me…). I have a similar issue with writing, as I will overthink, rewrite several times, and delay sending letters. – this is a lifelong, ongoing dragon quest
      • Stamina – energy for “doing” is limited which means I need small but meaningful tasks and connections that won’t exhaust me [as part of health quest above, and also prioritize these smaller tasks over large projects when possible]
    • Allies to help me:
      • My spouse can help me by placing phone calls to people who aren’t able to use video calls. He does this already sometimes.
      • My friends and family who know me well already understand… no particular worries around my deficits with them; and they sometimes could help me reach out to some of the others [this would be new].
    • Tools and Process to get in place:
      • Update mailing list! Get stamps! Use cards when calls and visits aren’t possible! [goal: by end of September]
        • Locate pre-made cards for times I want to reach out but don’t have the mental energy to make a card or write a letter. [today]
        • Relocate card-making supplies for when I do have energy to a location I can reach when I am stuck in a wheelchair (instead of around a corner in a tight spot in the studio). [end of August]
      • Text people I am thinking about more often, and ask them to CALL ME if in-person visits aren’t possible; and set up visits with the caveat that anything not at my home sometimes has to be put off. [ongoing]

This day’s quest was longer than I expected…

But now I have a plan to get to events more predictably. That will let me have fewer regrets for letting people down.

AND, I have a plan to stay connected with people while they are still available. Thankfully, my spouse has been able to be with my father-in-law in person a lot this past 9 months, and sometimes helps us video call each other. So I got to tell my father in law I love him in real time despite being unable to be there myself and make sure he knows I am holding him in my heart. -one less regret-

Dealing with the if-only regret was enough for my head and my heart today. I can put my bubble list down now, and set it in the back of my hero’s journal (or in a safe but memorable location) for another day.

ONE improvement at a time… one day at a time… one step at a time. Sometimes, one breath at a time.

Change is lasting when it is done carefully and deliberately. Changing ourselves takes patience.

Process over product, improvement over perfection.

You’ve got this.