Here is the origin and inspiration of this thread… Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Smart Dad, Stupid Dad
What makes for effective parents? Is it the opportunities they give their children? The information or values they impart? The sense of being loved? The security of place or status?
I suspect we all know people (maybe even ourselves) who say, “If I had more time/money/help… I would be a better parent.” And we probably also know people who seem to be perpetually short on all three and still manage to turn out healthy, well-adjusted children who become healthy, well-adjusted adults. And we probably can also point to a few families that seem to have it all but never seem to enjoy anything, families in which the children are not healthy or well-adjusted…
Something I try to keep in mind when watching other parents and children is that there are often stories behind what we see. It is easy to armchair parent, just as it is easy to armchair quarterback. The sickness of a parent or child, or mental illness, anxiety over job security (or lack of), increasing prices on fixed incomes… stress can lie under the surface in any family, even one that seems to have it all. Children who wear older, used clothes may come from families that spend their money on vacations or concert experiences, or from families that have a strong sense of moral obligation that precludes new clothes unless necessary — they may not be from poor families at all!
In recent conversations with folks I think are pretty well-balanced I discover that they also have times they doubt their parenting, or worry about whether their children are getting what they need. I hear from parents of children who seem well-adjusted that at home they can be quite moody — something that is reflected in our life when people compliment me on my children’s manners!
In the blog that got me thinking, I note that these characterizations of “dad” also apply to any person: there are childless people with those attitudes also! I don’t know — or don’t associate with — people who fall into the Rich, Poor or Stupid categories…
We sometimes do live from paycheck to paycheck because we will take opportunities to go to concerts or museums — or to visit relatives — even when we don’t have money already set aside. Still, we manage to set a bit aside for planned excursions, and we meet all our financial obligations. I don’t want to get to the end of my kids’ childhood and look back to realize that they are now all grown up and we never fished on a lake or met my favorite cousin or ate in a fancy restaurant. As a couple, Tom and I have always been this way. People have taken precedence over things, over jobs and over education.
Was it Irma Bombeck who said that at the end of her life it wouldn’t matter if the bed was made or the house was tidy… it would matter if she had said all the things she wanted to her kids. I think the Smart Parents take time to be with their kids without smothering them; I think they know the difference between a comfortably tidy house and a showplace; I think they understand that children are underfoot for less than 20 years (in most families) and with life expectancies of 70 -80 for most of us that leaves a good 40 years after the kids leave the nest for work, travel and personal development.
At the end of the day, I don’t think our jobs, the type of house we live in or clothes we wear, the neighborhood or schools we are part of , or the number and content of bank accounts are important. At the end of the day, I think what matters is if we were kind, if we took those opportunities to say “I love you,” if we grew more flowers in our yard than will ever be put on our graves.